A Million Miles From Yesterday Night

Below is a reference quote to those thoughts that never seem to go away... its dumb luck, a tecnicality, you were just ahead of me.....

"Even if you think the flame has died, there's at least one lyric that'll hit that last hot spot, and then you'll find yourself as fucked as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see her again."-JM

I feel like I am living on borrowed time and I have this feeling I am going to crash hard, I am still waiting for the tap on my shoulder to let me know I can sit this one out. Unfortunately I, and other people I associate with have the heavy burden of being the example...

A couple of strange occurrences this week have made me wonder if I was even missed this past week at my "home" as if "somethings missing" but I will turn my anxiety into results, and keep my promises like the trooper I have to be.

I really can't top yesterday, unexpected and enjoyable lunch with CP, thanks for going, and knowing id pull a James Bond into the lobo game, thanks my pius friend. Now only if it was that easy to get Lisa romero to add me to her friends list, but as she said, "its a honor and not a right of mine" so I'll respect that. "And the thunder rolls" hope to be casual friends sometime this century and hear she is under the weather, hope she gets well.

what really spun me off was seeing the mtv chick, made me really think about where i was when i was 16-17yrs old, how she must be feeling, no doubt i saw that look in her eye, the "quiet nervousness" everytime i got up to walk, the tone of voice just right so others around you can hear what you say, i mean i had no tv show, but (jr/senior year of HS) i felt I was at the top of my life, seriously, racing professionally, pulling in sweet money, no worries, on my way to the big time, then the injury, then decision to go to school at UNM vs. the ride with galles. moving out of my parents house abruptly, bordering on alcoholism, losing my scholarship, breaking up with my 4yr+ g/f for "the grass is greener on the other side scenario", changing my major, then fall 04 came around, and i had "a second of time to look around, drive through, and roll my window down, and take time to say that im here now" and having "the best friend i never took the time to have, who took the time to have me" and to have a complete person as a girlfriend....

Next item of business as i transgress to my temperment at this current time~ chapter meetings always depress me, I always feel like the last kid to be picked for the team. been that way since day one around this place. they will miss my contributions to the house really soon. Our house voted on a fine for dirty dishes, friggin idiots!!!

BEWARE! stream of consciousness is a biatch.


Current Musical Background (Untitled-JM)
"Is there any way to know when its over?
when will you show up?
when will you be done?
is there any day left? as it slowly rolls over.
and when will you know when your last war was fought, how will you know?
how will you know? How will you ever know; when you're sleepling at the crash sight, walking in the wreckage of somebody's past life, another ones old love.
where the fire burns the grass began to grow, nobody walks there, because everybody knows that...How will you know?
is there anyone who pulled it off easy, spoke what they were thinking, moved on to the next city and is there anyone who let them down gently and moved to the next town on, I don't know them, how will you know? How will you know that you've been sleeping at the crash site, resting on the wreckage of somebody's past life, somebody's old love, sleeping at the crash sight, JM

people have the right to fly and have the right to fly and will when things get compromised. Airports see it all the time......" JM

Ok now on to current events napoleon, This will be another short week, some real work, followed by a ridiculous travel schedule, Here's to living the life I have strived for since i was 6 years old, but happening before I am ready to enjoy it.. If you see me around say hello! I could really use it.

Lesson learned....

I am about to type what I am about to type, not because one singular person or event, but as a conglomerate of feelings that im not going to talk down to anyone, but until this semester i was lost, and the first time in my life, i feel like i have lived. so I am just returning the favor of my experience to someone out there, so that maybe i can know that I am not alone, to quote the only person who gets it:

"Its a feeling a frame of mind, its time to tell you how time stops you dead in your tracks sometime"

And that feeling for me today is like everything is just within reach, you have all of those prized possessions you dreamed of, going to places you dreamed of, hanging out with people you could have only wished to be with, and that some how in all of this progress everything is "missing"

until this year 2005 (post "divorce from JW"time as it will read in my biography) Really, until this semester i had always been paired up with people with similar last names, romero, rivas, rodriguez, and sanchez, same homerooms, then you go away to school, or stay home in my case to live, but i never really left that comfort zone, then boom you are forced to make a move, i had always had the same friends, a "steady" girlfriend all the way since 5th grade, then that all changed a year ago, my world, as i thought then ended, so i buried myself in schoolwork to excess. living in that tunnel from home to class, to work, and I know THERES gotta be one person, out there who has felt like this and im speaking to that"

"everything is almost there, everyone around me doesnt care, all i want to do is find somewhere to put my stuff down." -JM

is it them? or is it me? and as I am coming to find, life has gotten a whole lot sweeter, as JM says "when nothings missing"

friends; check,
money; check,
well slept; check,
opposite sex; check,
messages waiting on me when i get home...check
happy home, check,
all y'all?????

Im spending the night out of my "house" sometimes its just too painful being in a house of people who refuse to "know you" ill be withing reach. I just want to know what people really think about me, will i be remembered at all?

-Farewell Senator (faux handshake, chin upwind)