FRUSTRATED!! And not in the good way...

If it is not enough that I am pulling three times my own weight these days, everything and everyone who I care about with the exception for a few friends are "malfunctioning" on me. Leaving me obviously feeling confused and betrayed. Since I have to keep a straight face in person, I'll vent here, since "I've got nothing" these days.

This week has been extremely busy, not by choice, and the weeks to come will be even more busy. It is not that I want to be this busy, but I have responsibilities to myself to uphold and I will do whatever I need, and right now that means a lot of "not sleeping" I have had very little time to myself, I find myself living in three time frames, doing what is due, thinking about whats going to happen next, and planning for next week, this has been every moment of every day. On the surface I'm getting stuff done, being there, but I guess I am not? hence why I am feeling betrayed. My biggest pet peeve, is when nobody tells me things because they are afraid ill be mad, am I this evil person??

Maybe for those of you reading this is an example of a busy day, take for example

12:00am-7:55am "sleep"wake-up but fall back asleep

• because even though I went to bed earlier than i usually do, but do not feel rested at all. sleep in until absolute last second. my body is playing games with me.

8:55am-3:30pm, oh wait 5pm!! leave for community service for greek week,

• not looking forward to it, because i will have to work from 9-3:30pm on account that no one else will do it, we have to do this. or at least i think we have to, we have a winning tradition during greek week, and i guess im passionate about doing well. end up my "Relief does not show up, stay till 5am, worked hard labor all day. race back home

5:25pm-5:45pm Mortar Board Meeting (show up late)

• have a lot of explaining to do, but get the job done
• hang flyers around the sub for 20 minutes

6:00pm-6:25pm Write article for Sigma Tau Delta newsletter to make deadline

• while writing, get a call from my dad, freaking out about my brother not getting much money from scholarships, expecting me to magically fix the problem. so i now have to do research for that, get many calls back, not pleasent.

6:30pm-6:55pm rush home to make food and eat and shower the dirt away before next mtg.

7:00-pm-8:40pm ENLACE Meeting

• long meeting, but in the middle of meeting i get pulled out by our project mgr. we need to switch offices asap, so now i have to make a bunch of calls, freaking people out
• meanwhile get a call from sue from trailblazers needs me to work friday
• have a huge week ahead in santa fe, gotta fax 40pgs to the capital, fax is broken, gotta go in super early
• walk home in the rain while on the phone sensing everything is wrong

9:00pm-945pm Food and Emails

• check emails mostly good, check blogs: UNEXPECTED and my stomach is now on the floor and my heart feels like its where my stomach once was, lost my appetite, still havent eaten anything today.
• get more abrupt phone calls from parents, need to ask for stuff, but cut off told i would be called back, still nothing. now no answer from home
• realize i have a budget letter to write for sigma tau delta. luckily i can still focus some to do it.

10:15-10:30pm- watch the news

• not helping my mood at all, now begin to download my thoughts, feel like crying. but couldnt, allergies kicking in, and gotta get stuff done now to have the "Talk" with Katie, gotta prepare my emotions and be my "happy" self,
• food i began cooking downstairs is now burnt, caffeine will be my friend again tonight.

11:30pm-???AM?? Gotta get going

Up tommorow

755am-830am-try to fax papers to santa fe again!

9:00am-10:00am order of omega brunch for greek week

10:15am-10:55am deliver and present sigma tau budget

11:00am-12:15pm class

12:30pm-1:45pm mortar board flyering/makeshift office hours

1:51pm-2:45pm Lunch?

3:00pm-3:55pm Prep for class presetation

4:00pm-5:15pm class

5:30pm-8:00pm class (will be late as usual since class is at KAFB)

8:25pm-10:00pm celebrate brothers birthday, again...

10:30pm-11:00pm decide where im going, where im wanted

11:30pm-2:00am hw and end of day stuff

3:ooam-7:00am sleep.....

it is very sad that every second has to be planned, im sure there will be derailments, and ill have to make adjustments to keep everyone on board. I know there are those who are busy like me, Seems like the people who are not get all the happiness. I've said it before and I will say it again,

"I refuse to believe that my life's going to be just a string of incompletes never to lead to anything remotely close to a home life, been waiting my whole life for a home life"

gonna listen to some music to quench the hunger for belonging somewhere.... if you see me somewhere wave, throw a tomato, something, but dont just walk away without saying anything expecting understanding.

"I'm just trying to find somewhere to put my stuff down" -JM