Trying to tame the emotions and rise above the pain, hope you read this....

Greetings readers, its been a while since ive written anything in my blog of signifigance, I know there will be a lot of stuff in this one, so just hang in there, With this years winter break coming to an end, as a lot of things seem to be coming to an end right now, and the end of my schooling to come soon, I guess this is a good time to recap on everything that has or has not happened this winter, I was not ready for 2004 to be over, I almost had it down, but I am can't help to look forward, because i have to:

I didnt get to race at all over break as i promised myself, feel bad about that, but work duty called and weather was really bad in both phoenix and tulsa during the scheduled races, and didnt feel like being away from home for all of the holidays, but that can wait til the summer when ill be able to give 100% to my racing, however, I did get to work a lot, sweet overtime pay!! so Ill have some funding to spend of luxaries like food this semester, I was officially named director of the ENLACE high school program in NM, A job that will be tough but I am glad to take on the challenge, My goal right now is to help people succeed, like ive been helped. Now for the next step tying everything together, figuring out where I WANT to be in the near future, I havent gotten to spend much time with kaite, and somehow feel like when i do that i am of a social calendar i wasnt meant to be on, but with anything new you gotta work on fitting in and meeting up to expectations, I will keep on trying my best and hope that it is good enough. I am working on it, at least i think i am. So i continute to think that..

I really have to re-evaluate, to put it properly, re-scale my priorities in the friendship/companionship department, I don't/shouldn't want to feel like I am being brushed aside, I know I am not, just worries, but the numbers show/tell something quite different at this point, a friend centered universe that has little room for me, one i am not used to yet, but for now i'll continue to live in the small corner of the circle, humbled, realizing i shouldnt be the center of attention, knowing that there is a place set aside for me, waiting-patiently awaiting something more, patiently telling myself to sit, and be quiet and be calm and to control what i can, myself.

Again this is one of those times in my life that I need someone to comfort me, can't find it at home, won't find it in my home, ill just tough it out as always push it somewhere, anywhere, it really does hurt, but i know someone out there cares about me enough to call or visit, ill continue to believe this. At the same time i know things i have done to others may be preventing this from happening. I am asking myself from time to time, Am I worth it? worth the time? what is worth in a relationship anyway? nothing tangible, whats the price I have to pay, I'll pay it/ who knows... I know I am worth it, i think other people see this also most of the time. I'm used to being the guy in the background accomplishing good things, but at the same time a guily pleasure is being awarded or just recognized, A lot has happened in just a week to tell me what im doing right is being recognized, but not by the one whom i hope would recognize. as abe lincoln said "you cant please all of the people all of the time" As you are reading this you are probably wondering about the change in tone, you're about to find out it has to do with a lot:
I know i am not alone in this feeling, Im just searching for some guidance encouragement, that has been silenced these days.

In other serious news: a really close family friend has died suddenly this past weekend, I was very sad to hear that she wont be around anymore, I will miss her unrelentless kindness and concern for me and my family, for her close friendship to my grandmother when she came to albuquerque from up north with my dad and his brother and sisters, and her always encouraging words to me, always believeing in my dreams, listening to me speak, and making me see that i can do anything, those things you showed me will never be forgotten. Even though she wasn't officially part of my family by blood, I always considered her my second grandmother, always looking out for me, unlike so many people in my life, Mary Ruth you are missed and will be in my prayers and heart forever, I really wish i could have been there for the funeral. I had gotten used to having you around for the holidays and visiting with you at my grandmas house, I just found out today about everything, as I always do with these things from my family, and I am very sad and hurting about that, missing out on the opportunity to tell you thank you in person. I know you are in a better place right now, close to the ones you love, far from those who still love you. I know you are in a place where God's love is shining on you and you don't have to suffer anymore with the things in this world. You have enspired me so much, its uncomprehendable now to look back on how i used to be, others wont and dont see this but will someday. I was fortunate to have know you when you were here with us. I know ill be quite sad for awhile.

I really need someone right now, more than ever, but will not sit around idle waiting, i have to ask will you be there for me?

Patiently ill wait to mend a burning bridge that was never built knowing you'll be here with me again someday.


I knew i came across these lyrics for a reason, "theres always a reason for everything"

Amnesia-The Vines
"I cannot remember my own sanity
Gods' love ain't forever
He'll set us free
Thought I had to tell you
we came from the breeze
but I dont care
forever
I dont need a thing
I cannot remember"


Back to work soon, too soon to get over the feelings of loss, working hard for a future that will be happening soon, hope to share it with y'all. peace and thank someone today for something they do for you, however big or small. I am coming to find, you regret small things liks that.