Ok take a deep breath and dive right on in not afraid to let loose of the restraint that keeps me on the other side....

"I refuse to believe my life's going to be a string of incompletes" -JMnMe

After yet another jury summons in the mail, this will make it 4 in the past 4 years, ever since i was eligable for this crap i get called in, they must like me or something, hopefully i can get out of it so i can have some sort of a winter break. i wonder how you get off their "hit list" its starting to anger me. has this happened to anyone else? ive been getting summoned ever since i turned 18. The jury selection system confuses me sometimes, is it the year of the Rae->Ruy?.

In non jury summons news, Some interesting perspectives I've been having lately concerning my friends and companion, I feel I'm more of a conscientious observer of things happening around me versus the participant, damn Faulkner books!!! Maybe its the lack of sleep that is leaving me disconnected in this euphoric state? Maybe this is what it is to be high all the time who knows, ill have to ask someone who does know what that is like. I definently need to take it easier this winter break and get sleep and pick up on my exercise again for my sake and the sake of others. Been listening to less JM these days, not by choice, the Wisconsin trip kept me disconnected from "my music" and its really strange the lack of music going on, I find it easy to go cold turkey on most things. Maybe ill try a concert over the break, if there is one worth going to. Sponsors want me to go to Tulsa and Phoenix to race over the break, i may do this to get me out of the funk ive been in. if you are truly passionate about something and you cant do it anymore, you will know what im talking about. its strange, you would have asked me this two months ago, i would have told you i was anxious for the season to be over. happens every year, but this year is more intense that usual, almost painful. and in response to another blog, yeah theres people out there who are still reading, but this time ill remain on the sidelines just: "staying out of trouble, AZ"

"Excuse mrs. busybody can you pencil me in when you can" -JM

Speaking or rather, writing of painful...This past month has flown by, I'm left here trying to make sense of it all, most of my friends will be going home over the break and who knows if things will be the same when we all come "home" again in a month, these past couple of days have been weird. RT is gone, sad to see him go, but we all gave him more chances than any member has ever had and cant help feeling let down and betrayed. human beings werent designed for betrayal, we dont know how to handle it, we are all very confused. hope he will be ok. I would like to believe so, only time will tell. In other events...this just in...The vivid dreams are happening more often, they often follow complications in life and stress, but for once my stress causing factors are gone now. This week is going to be crucial its the end of an era and the beginning of something new kinda scary but I deserve it, I've done everyone's stuff now its my time down here, im not used to being brushed aside so swiftly, brings back a lot of painful childhood memories of being passed over and excluded. :Sigh:

Now on to the comments and concerns section...Just when I thought I had KT figured out, maybe not figured out, but more like where i fit into the picture, maybe we should have a talk about it over winter break about will be happening? or what isnt happening. It is pretty disappointing if you ask me, but then again i should have set myself up for this, hoping it will pass and things will feel normal again.

"Your will is not as strong as you told all your friends it was going to be" -JM

to continue the above mentioned thought, we'll see with the friends returning from all corners of the globe, will there be room for me in the corner of the sqare? maybe its all the friends i thought i made, or friends id become inclusive with that see to have forgotten about me, am i worth it? or am i wasting away..who knows..ill see the true colors come through, or lack thereof, ill remain hopeful as i always do and wont freak out either way. on a lighter note mom and sister were in town. they are fun to hang out with and make me feel included, we all need that sometimes, a place to belong, even if its for a moment. I'm not one to complain very often because what i know is that there is a lot that i dont know, i just dont want to feel like things are spinning out of whack. When the quietness subsides i know something is bothering me. i dont like to feel that feeling. maybe its all because I miss being at home, even though that was over four years ago since i left for good. its not easy being on my own and meaning so much or so little to people. its just nice to know you have somewhere to fall back on. i close my eye and take the leap.....will you be there to catch me?? I sure hope so you cuz you have me up so high that im blinded in the glare.

The feelings running through me right now are similar to a song you may have heard, and the words go a little something like:

Careful By Guster
You walked out when I ask you to stay
As usual you'll get your way
You close the door and stumble down to the street
Where you wring your hands And you drag your feet there
Where the words can't find you
To crawl inside you I'm ringing all the warning bells
Careful or you'll hurt yourself
Others lie lie lie
They adore you I'll be the one to tell
You're careful or you'll hurt yourself
Gonna try try try
'Til the morning comes
But you can't hide
Standing under these stars
I know everything
I know where you are
You're in your head
You're all turned around with it
And the shining diamond lights'd
Bring you back again
Back where I can't find you
To crawl inside you
I'm ringing all the warning bells
Careful or you'll hurt yourself
Others lie lie lie
They adore you
I'll be the one to tell
You're careful or you'll hurt yourself
Gonna try try try
'Til the morning
All you want to see Is make believe
It's nothing Way down underneath
I'm ringing all the warning bells
Careful you don't hurt yourself
Others lie lie lie
They adore you I'll be the one to tell
You're careful or you'll hurt yourself
Gonna try try try
'Til the morning comes"

back to the homework and studying for my last final exam, that i should have been doing, instead of being concerned with everything else. Im buried inside my mind trying to make sense of it all. Good luck with your final exams, and happy holidays! Late-MMR

"Nothings Missing" -JM