I need an outlet, so writing the things I am feeling down on here may be the best/only way to do this at the moment in a way that is visible. I need to stay in a healthy frame of mind. I have to do something, but what? Fight back, sit back, move on, move back? I will remain vocally quiet, as my life has always seemed to be better in writing. However I know I must not let go too easily.

Channeling all this back into something useful and productive is my hope, and not the reverse. It is also my hope that time will heal and bring clarity to the situation, and not hasty decisions. That never works out in the long run.

The sadness over it all, the intense feeling of sad/pain is probably the most difficult thing, for me, to deal with at the moment and actually hurts the most physically, unlike anything I have felt before. The hurt you cause others sometimes is magnified back on you just as much or more. I have never felt like this before.

My mind races to forget, but the feelings never vanish and the truth never lies. I know what I want and need to do. No amount of anything will truly replace the feelings, regrets. That is part of being human and real. The significance of the situation and pending outcome is huge. A real life changer. I may never know all the reasons.

Knowing the final decision, however it may be delivered to me will be the hardest part to take initially, the anxiety however, is necessary, and with hope and prayer, healing will occur.

I won't stop fighting it, but I ultimately know that its the fight that may the key factor in all this sadness. I resolve to do better. For the right reasons.

Belief - John Mayer

"Some need the exhibition
And some have to know they tried
It's the chemical weapon
For the war that's raging on inside"